


Another Life

by KaCole



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action, Adventure, Danger, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Romance, Slow Burn, hurt comfort, moonflower - Freeform, sci fi plot, straded
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-08-24 02:39:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16631279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaCole/pseuds/KaCole
Summary: Chakotay and Janeway are stranded on a dangerous moon after a shuttle crash. They will have to learn how let go if they are to find each other.“It’s a moonflower, then. It compliments your hair, if I may say so.” The urge to kiss her was so strong that he felt trapped in her orbit. She looked up at him with an expression he couldn't fathom, but it made his heart leap all the same.





	1. Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to @devoverest for beta reading!

On the shuttlecraft _Sacajawea_ , Chakotay stretched in his chair, rolling his shoulders in their sockets to loosen his aching muscles. Two days of intense negotiations with a race of suspicious, long-necked aliens had left both he and Kathryn exasperated.

“The Alkenians certainly drove a hard bargain,” he said over his shoulder.

“Agreed. For a moment there I thought we’d have to walk away.”  

The haggling had gone on for hours. Kathryn had ultimately agreed to provide details of Federation methods of warp field inversion, plus navigational and sensor data from the Delta Quadrant, in exchange for free movement through Alkenian space.

“Of course I would never have agreed to their outrageous demands for weapons and transporter technology. I think they knew that all along. Putting us through those gruelling negotiations was game playing on their part.” She rubbed her neck.

“One you played admirably, Kathryn.” He met her eyes for a moment. Using her name was a luxury he afforded himself rarely, and never in public. But he had the feeling she liked it. He certainly garnered pleasure from savouring her name on his lips.

She blessed him with a warm smile. “The trip wasn't all bad,” she said, raising an eyebrow in a way that made his chest tingle. “The food was rather good.”

He worked hard to keep his face neutral. “It certainly made a change from leola root.”

She smiled again, but didn’t look at him this time, keeping her eyes on the view screen ahead, as if she was processing a perplexing memory.

Her voice became softer. “I found our evening walk through the temple of Chek-Roul most enjoyable.” She sounded almost wistful. For a moment she seemed light years away. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her face, although he knew they had lingered too long. He’d do anything to know what she was thinking. Anything except ask her, of course.   

Last night, among the soaring pillars and marble edifice of the temple, framed against a blue-black sky, she had taken his breath away. The moon had glowed an extraordinary shade of orange, and as they’d walked among the vegetation the stresses of the day had melted away. The silence was warm and comfortable. She’d seemed so at ease. In truth, he would gladly put up with a hundred years of Alkenian pedantry to steal more time with Kathryn as she had been last night; hair loose, radiant and smiling, her arm linked through his as they walked among the moonlit citrix groves. As the heady scents filled the air she’d relaxed in a way she rarely did aboard _Voyager_. He'd plucked one of the small flowers that had their faces turned to the deep orange moon.

“It catches the moon’s glow,” she’d said.  

He’d handed it to her and said lightly. “It’s a moonflower, then. It compliments your hair, if I may say so.” The urge to kiss her had been so strong that for a moment he felt trapped in her orbit. She looked up at him with an expression he couldn't fathom, but it made his heart leap all the same. Somehow, he’d held himself in check and the moment passed. His job was to carry her burdens, not create new ones for them to struggle with. Kissing her would make both their lives complicated. She’d reject him.

_But what if she didn’t?_

As they’d hesitated at the door to her room, she’d still held the moonflower, pale under the artificial light. He’d almost told her those groves reminded him of New Earth. But, he’d bitten the thought back. Their time on New Earth was sealed behind a wall of pain. It wouldn’t do to reopen old wounds.

He’d retreated. “Goodnight, Captain.”    

Stolen moments like last night we few and far between. He couldn't afford to let his imagination take flight, or dare to dream of kissing her in the moonlight, no matter how much he wanted to. They were on their way back to _Voyager_ and would immediately set course through Alkenian space on their return, Captain and Commander once more. This was the way of things. He was learning to accept that.

“Chakotay, are you picking up—” Kathryn called from behind him in the shuttlecraft.

A warning light flashed on the instrument panel. She put her hand on his shoulder, but before he could speak he was flung forward. Kathryn crashed towards the instrument panel with a gasp.

She righted herself and slid into the co-pilot’s chair. Her fingers flew over the diagnostic interface. “We've dropped out of warp.”

He scanned the immediate area. “I'm getting strange readings from that moon.”

“What kind of readings?”

“Power fluctuations. EM disturbances. Geological instability.”

The shuttle lurched to the left, sending Kathryn pitching towards him. He caught her and helped her back into her seat.

She hardly lost a beat. “Impulse power’s failing.”

“It's like we’re caught in that moon's gravity well.”

Kathryn frowned. “We’re more than 66,000 km away. Easily outside its gravitational oblate.”

“Could it be a tractor beam?”

“If it is, it's not like anything I've seen before. It's covering a vast region of space. It would take huge amounts of energy to maintain.” She sounded almost fascinated, despite the danger. “Janeway to _Voyager_.” No response. “The broadband EM disturbance is interfering with the signal. I’m sending a subspace message with our coordinates.”

The shuttle jolted Chakotay in his seat. “We're picking up speed.”

“Reverse thrusters.”

“Thrusters at less than twenty percent of full power.”

The pocked surface of the moon filled the shuttle's forward view screen, bearing little resemblance to last night's romantic vista.

Chakotay punched useless controls. They were spinning towards the surface.

Kathryn stood up. “If I can get the inertial dampeners online that will at least cushion our landing. Hold this course.”

The moon’s rocky surface rushed towards them. The helm didn’t respond.

“No! Stay in your seat. Brace for impact.”

She didn't hear, or if she did, she ignored him and rushed to the back of the shuttle.

He tried to hold a parallel course with the ground, his heart racing. She wasn’t seated and would be thrown across the shuttle like a ragdoll if they crashed. The first impact came seconds later as he skimmed an outcrop of rocks. The shuttle spun wildly. He fought to hold steady, but with the thrusters malfunctioning there was no way to stop their spin.

“Kathryn!”

A sickening crack filled the shuttle. Structural integrity alarms flashed, but their noise was drowned out by the scream of rending metal. He turned. Clearly visible through a gaping hole on the port side, the ground sped by sickening fast. He yelled her name again. At least they weren’t venting air; this moon had an atmosphere. If they survived landing there would be a chance of rescue.  

The shuttle slowed, tipping to port even as their speed reduced, skidding and sliding across the moon’s surface. There was nothing he could do now to alter course or slow them down.

He could see what was going to happen, as if in a slow-motion holoimage. The ship titled, and Kathryn pitched towards the gash in the shuttle’s wall. Towards the empty blackness beyond.

He dived for her.

She looked at him, almost startled, and reached for his hand as she stumbled back towards the torn panel.

He flung himself on the floor and caught her hand. She was wide-eyed, dangling over darkness, one hand grasping his, the other flailing wildly for a grip on the shuttle’s side.

“I've got you,” he said, his heart roaring.

The creaking terror finally stopped as the shuttle came to rest. For a moment he stared past Kathryn. They'd come to a stop at the edge of an abyss. The shuttle was on the brink of plunging into the darkness, with Kathryn suspended over the terrifying void.

He braced himself to pull her up. The shuttle groaned and rocked.

“Computer, emergency transport. Two to beam to the surface.”

“Unable to comply.”

“Can you lock onto the captain?”

“Negative. System overload necessitates manual operation of all shuttle functions.”

The ship shuddered, teetering on the edge of destruction. This couldn't be happening. Just hours before he'd been walking with her in the moonlight, feeling happier than he had in weeks, daring to think about kissing her. Now her life was about to slip through his hands.

The computer spoke again. “Warning. Structural integrity failure in twenty seconds.”

Kathryn looked up at him, her eyes wide with fear. “You can't reach the console from there.” She took a breath and went on with forced calmness. “You’re going to have to let me go and use the transporter.”

“Don't be ridiculous,” he spluttered. “I'm pulling you up then we’re both beaming out.”   

As he spoke, the shuttle tipped further. He scrambled to catch the jagged side of the hole with his free hand in a desperate bid to stop them both falling. The hand that clutched hers began to slip.

“Chakotay. Listen to me.” Her steady blue eyes met his. “The shuttle is about to break apart. We'll both die if you don't let go.”

“I can't!”

Again the sound of rending metal filled the darkness. Kathryn swung in his hand.

“Yes you can. Let me go. Get to the transporter and beam us both to the surface.”

Didn't she know the impossibility of what she was asking? To let her go and watch her fall away? Then to lock onto a moving target in the seconds before she plunged to her death? Desperation tore through him, wracking his heart with a pain he could hardly withstand. The ship shifted again. She swayed back and forth in his grip, her hair flung loose and wild, gasping for air in the buffeting winds. Terror in her eyes. Yet her voice remained impossibly calm.

“Chakotay. I trust you. Let me go. Do it _now_.”

“Kathryn!” There was no time to say the things he needed to say. To tell her how much she meant to him. How he admired her courage and grace. How he’d never given up hope that there could be more between them, and he never would while they both drew breath. A tiny trickle of blood ran along his wrist, towards their joined hands, making them slick. With horrifying slowness, her fingers slipped through his.

Kathryn screamed and fell away from him.

Chakotay’s world narrowed to one task: save Kathryn.

He sprang to his feet. The shuttle’s floor was tilted at thirty degrees. He fought every step towards the transporter. He scanned for Kathryn. If B'Elanna could transport at warp, then he could do this!

Kathryn was falling at fifty percent of her terminal velocity already. It would be safest to lock onto her once she reached a steady rate. Four more seconds. His head spun. He pictured her face, beautiful, wise. He hated himself for letting her go. For never telling her how he felt. For letting duty steal their dreams. Her scream still rang in his ears, although in truth the wind had drowned the sound out. He’d hear her scream until the moment he died.

She was falling at fifty four meters a second now. He fought to find her signal, but even at a steady speed the system failed to lock on. He cursed, fighting for a calm space so he could do what he needed to do. He tried again, and again. At last the transporter received her signal into the buffer.

“I've got you, Kathryn.” Relief swamped him. His knees felt weak. No time. He had to beam himself from the disintegrating shuttle to her side.

#

Kathryn falls. As the wind tears her lungs she crystallises her thoughts into one thing: Chakotay will catch her. She has to help him, though. She spreads her arms and legs, increasing her surface area to reduce her speed. It’s so cold. Every breath in the icy air burns her chest, and each breath she snatches is more painful than the last. Darkness and the roar of the wind fills her world. She can’t see the ground, but she thinks it will be orange tinged, like they saw from the temple last night.

There’s time. He’ll save her.

Seconds pass. Her hands grow numb. She spreads her fingers apart. She glimpses the ground below. Orange. Iron. Yes. Even now, part of her finds space to analyse as her heart thunders over the raging wind.

Chakotay is alone on the shuttle. The thought pains her. Perhaps it’s already torn itself apart and it’s too late for them both. If she is to die here, alone, then the rushing dust of a barren world won’t be the last thing she sees. If she can't choose the manner of death, then she'll damn well choose the way she faces it.

Instead of plummeting towards rocks, she puts herself on her bridge, with the people she cares about. She imagines them vividly. Tuvok, Harry, Tom. B’Elanna. Chakotay at her side, his dear face open and gently smiling. He says her name. She likes the way that sounds.

His own name forms on her lips.

They’ll have to make it home without her, now.

She thinks her heart will break before her body does.

Another second passes.

This is all she has left, a memory of her ship and her crew. Every choice she made led them here.  

A sob forms on her lips. _Sorry_ . _So sorry I won't get you home._

At last, the tell tale tingle of the transporter lock forms in her chest. There’s a split second of nothing before she materialises on the moon's surface, face down in the dust.

**#**

Chakotay was at her side in a moment checking for injuries. “Kathryn!”

The shuttle crashed to the ground meters away, flinging up a shower of rocks and dirt. He cursed himself for beaming them so close to the crash site, but he’d had no time to plan anything better. He scooped her into his arms. He head fell back, her arms limp at her side. He pulled her to his chest. _Just be alive, Kathryn._ He got his head down and bolted from the debris. He found shelter behind a large bank of rocks and placed her gently down. He knelt before her touched her face, and then her neck. She was warm and breathing. Relief flooded his whole body. He sat back on his haunches.

Kathryn groaned and opened her eyes. For an instant her face registered sheer terror before she wrenched back her self control.

He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and helped her sit up, propped against the rocks. “It’s all right. We’re safe now.” He sat down beside her, struggling to catch his own breath.

“The shuttle?” she asked.

“It fell a short distance from here. I’m not sure how badly it's damaged, but it was a long drop. Are you hurt?”

“No. Just a little shaken. Give me a moment.” She squeezed his arm in a silent gesture he’d come to know meant ‘thank you.’

“I thought I was going to lose you,” he said softly, holding the true horror of that vision close in check.

She smiled. “You won’t get _Voyager’s_ big chair that easily.”

That wasn’t what he’d meant, and they both knew it. He smiled too. He covered her hand with his and let himself breathe, close his eyes, knowing she was there, alive and smiling, safe.

Safe, of course, was a relative term. They were stranded on a hostile world, with no supplies, no shelter, and no way of contacting _Voyager_.


	2. Holding On, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn and Chakotay have to find a way to survive on a dangerous moon.

As dawn broke, Chakotay picked among the _Sacajawea’s_ wreckage. The back half of the shuttle, including the propulsion system, had been smashed beyond recognition when it crumpled on impact. The instrument panels at the front had fared little better. Damaged equipment and circuits were scattered as far as he could see over the moon’s surface.

A few meters away, Kathryn picked up part of a tricorder and a couple of anodyne relays. “I might be able to cobble these together and get some basic scanning functions. Have you found any food or water?”

Chakotay shook his head. “The weapons locker seems intact, though.” He used his thumb on the biometric scanner, opened the unit and pulled out two standard issue phasers.

“Well that’s something.” She accepted one of the phasers and tucked it into her belt. “We need something with an integrated power module. I don't really want to use a phaser unless we have to.”

“How about this?” Chakotay picked up a power cell from the phase coil converters.

Kathryn inspected the small device. “That will do nicely. See if you can find a PADD. I can use the screen as an interface. There's one in my luggage, if it survived.”

Chakotay found a singed but intact standard Starfleet issue kitbag some distance from the main wreckage, although he couldn't tell if it was the one he'd boarded the shuttle with or Kathryn’s. He opened it. Inside, nestled alongside a peach nightgown, was the flower he’d given her last night. She’d kept it. He touched the satin for a moment, a flutter of guilty pleasure running through his veins, and then immediately thought better of rummaging through her personal things.

He zipped the bag firmly up and took it to Kathryn. “Here.”

“Good work. If nothing else, I’ll be able to brush my teeth.” She opened the bag and her eyes must have fallen on the flower, just as his had. She glanced up at him, her face wistful, and he wondered if she guessed he’d opened the bag and seen the flower. If she had, she didn’t seem embarrassed by it.

She picked the moonflower up. “When you gave me this last night, I hardly thought we’d find ourselves stranded on the moon we were admiring.” When her eyes flitted towards his for a moment, he was sure he saw regret to match his own. Then she set the flower aside and rummaged through the bag. “Aha!” She pulled a PADD from the depths of the kitbag, in full captain mode once more.

Chakotay straightened up. “I’ll see if any ration packs survived the crash.”

#

An hour’s intensive labour bought Kathryn the small victory of bringing the tricorder, if not fully back to life, at least part way functioning. But it didn't bring good news.

“This moon is dying. The geological instability is symptomatic of huge forces tearing the surface. There are multiple magma chambers almost ready to erupt,” she said.

“What pulled us down here?”

“There's technology at intervals along the surface, including a gravimetric generator, and a comms station beyond that ridge. But it seems abandoned. My guess is it was a training site of some kind before the Alkenians evacuated. I haven't managed to get a message to _Voyager_. We might have more luck if we headed for the comms tower. If it's still operational we can piggyback a signal.” She shot a worried glance into the distance. “It's on higher ground and has the virtue of being in the other direction from the biggest build up of magma.”

“I don't like the sound of that.”

“Neither do I. Let's move out.”

They packed the little equipment they had salvaged in Kathryn’s kitbag. Chakotay added the ration pack he'd found and one partially full canteen, but he was concerned that they didn't have much water. He slung the bag over his back and followed his captain.

As they walked across the rocky landscape, Kathryn raised a hand. “I'm reading life signs.”

“Intelligent?”

“Hmmm, not human. Five, reptilian. About the size of a wolf. Between us and the tower. They're moving quickly.”

Chakotay drew his phaser and they picked up the pace. It seemed this moon had a very short solar day, no more than six hours of light but at least double that of darkness. Already the light was fading.

Kathryn continued to scan the ground ahead of them. It was awkward with the broken tricorder wired to a PADD, so it was impossible for her to draw her weapon too.

“I'm picking up clusters of plasma mines. Stay close, Chakotay.”

That was an order he was more than happy to follow. “Why mine an area like this?”

“I don't think the Alkenians like visitors very much.” Frankly, the cutting winds and orange dust tearing through the barren landscape made the place inhospitable enough.

“Then why drag us down here?”

“I think it was an accident. There's an uncontrolled power surge emanating from what looks like a navigational guidance array about ten kilometres from here.”

“We'll have to switch that off before _Voyager_ can enter orbit and beam us out.”

“Agreed.”

Kathryn grabbed his arm. “I'm reading highly toxic venom from these creatures. We can't let them get close.” A few meters to their left came a hissing sound. A flash of orange and white moved close to the ground. He aimed his phaser, but failed to find a target among the rocks and dust.

The wind rose as darkness fell. The comms tower was sheathed in shadows by the time they crested the hill. The building was set at the bottom of a slope, but the antennae reached hundreds of meters high.

Kathryn's damaged tricorder made a startling beep. “Three of them, there.”

Hissing. Movement. He fired. One lizard, long, with black claws and a vicious barbed tale was vaporised instantly, but another scuttled towards them. Chakotay fired again.

“Run!” They sprinted towards the building.

Chakotay turned and fired again to give Kathryn cover as she worked to release the doors.

A lizard appeared, hissing at his feet as he fired into the distance. He kicked, but teeth sunk into his leg. He screamed out, pain searing through his calf. The phaser fell to the floor. The lizard clung on, teeth deep in his leg.

Kathryn set the tricorder down and in one smooth movement scooped up the phaser. She switched the setting to heavy stun and fired at the writhing beast. It released Chakotay and slumped a few feet away. Kathryn adjusted the phaser and vaporized it.

“Chakotay!”

“I'm all right. Get the doors open.”

She handed him back the phaser and made short work of the doors. In moments they scrambled inside and sealed themselves in.

“Computer, lights,” she said, but her command was optimistic. She found a light switch by the door. With her arm around his waist, and his looped over her shoulder, they limped their way to a seat. He let the kitbag fall to the floor.

The room was little more than a cubby hole with several desks and an array of computers. The doors were glass, reinforced with heavy wire, presumably to keep the unfriendly wildlife out. Kathryn helped him sit down.

“Let me see.” She moved the torn fabric of his uniform aside to examine his leg. “That looks nasty.”

He winced. Deep puncture wounds were pumping blood either side of his calf. They burned like hell. His head swum.

Without hesitation, Kathryn took her night dress from the kitbag and tore it to strips.

His whole leg was burning now. He closed his eyes. It would be so easy to sleep.

“Stay with me, Chakotay,” she commanded, as she tied a satin tourniquet above his wounds. “Talk to me.”

She pressed a wadded pad of her nightdress against his calf. “Take this. I want you to press here, to staunch the bleeding.”

His mouth was dry. “Not exactly how I imagined getting my hands on your nightwear.”

“Me either,” she whispered.

The world shifted focus. There, they had both admitted forbidden thoughts. He felt momentarily dazed, although whether it was the toxin or her eyes that caused the head rush he couldn’t say.

She dropped her eyes. “I’m going to find a medkit. There must be something useful around this wretched place.” Her voice sounded strained. Almost angry. Then she looked back at him, crouched in front of him, a hand firmly on his shoulder. “Don't you go anywhere. That's an order.”

“Yes ma'am.”

It felt like seconds later that she returned, but as his chin was slumped forward on his chest, and his head pounding like an overloading warp core, it could have been minutes or hours.

“I found medical supplies. They seem pretty basic, but I'm hoping there's a treatment for the venom.” She spread her haul on a desk and used the tricorder to analyse each item. “Well, I'm no doctor, but I think we have antiseptic spray with a coagulant to stop the bleeding.” She picked up what looked like a hypospray. “This should neutralise the venom. I found a room with a cot. Do you think you can walk? It's not far.”

They struggled together through the rooms, which were all a blur to Chakotay. He let her guide him. Then he was on a small bed, looking up at her.

Kathryn put the back of her hand to his forehead. “You're hot, Chakotay.”

He tried a thin smile, and mumbled, “Thanks.”

Kathryn blurred. Her voice sounded far away. Purple spots filled his vision. The last thing he saw before he slipped into unconsciousness was her worried smile.

#

Chakotay woke in a dim room with a stabbing pain in his leg. At least his fever had receded. Kathryn slumped beside his bed in a chair with her eyes closed.

She sat up as soon as he stirred. “How do you feel?”

“Better. Less feverish. But sore.”

“I'm sorry, the pain killers in that kit are nowhere near as effective as ours.”

“How long was I sleeping?

“About four hours. Long enough for me to set up a repeating subspace message to _Voyager_. The interference around this moon fluctuates. I'm confident it will get through eventually.”

She adjusted the blanket at his chest, and then felt his forehead. Her shoulders visibly relaxed when she found him without fever.

He covered her hands with his. “You're cold,” he said, watching her face in the lamplight.

She looked weary. “I'm fine. You should get some more sleep.”  

“So should you. We have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow.”

“I'm fine resting in the chair.”

It was cold in the room, he knew it. “Kathryn, lie down with me. It's all right.”

She hesitated.

He opened the blanket, hoping she felt comfortable enough to accept his offer. Then her shoulders dropped. She kicked off her boots and lay beside him on the narrow bed.

“There isn't much room,” she said, shuffling onto her side, away from the edge. “I've had quite enough falling for one day.” She shuddered, a small concession to her human frailty, perhaps.  

“It must have been terrifying.” He realised he hadn’t taken time to ask her how she felt after the fall.

She made a sound approaching a soft laugh. “Let’s just say next time I try free falling I’d prefer a Starfleet self-glider packed on by back. I’m glad you listened to me and let go. For a moment there I doubted you would.” The tension in her voice belied her casual words.

“Then we’d both be dead,” he murmured. He wanted to tell her that letting her go was like tearing out his own heart, that she was safe now and at his side always would be. But he couldn't promise that, not out here in the Delta Quadrant, nor even back home. He couldn’t even find a clever story to hide behind. That wasn't what she needed from him, anyway. He wrapped his arm gently over her, letting his hand settle lightly on her stomach, using the other to pull the blanket up over them both. Her body was full of tension.

“I've got you," he whispered. "This time I have no intention of letting you fall.”


	3. Holding On, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn and Chakotay find themselves in desperate danger. 
> 
> The ground shook again. A mighty crack opened just meters ahead. There was no way out of this. She could run a few meters higher and live a few moments longer, but she would lose these last moments with him. That, she was not prepared to do.

Chakotay woke to sounds of movement in the next room. He sat on the side of the bed and raised the leg of his torn uniform to see bandages stained with blood. Experimentally, he tried his weight on his leg. Pain spiralled up his calf, making him gasp. It would be a hell of a day’s walking. 

He limped through to the next room. Kathryn had a map on the damaged PADD, presumably downloaded from the computer system. 

She looked up. “Good morning.” 

Their eyes met. For a moment her greeting seemed so like the way she’d greeted him every morning on New Earth that it sent a twinge through his heart. 

His countenance must have given something away, as her face creased in concern. “Are you all right?”

He silently cursed his wandering, painful thoughts. “Just a little sore. It’s fine.”

She inclined her head, perhaps accepting his falsehood. 

“I’ve found the gravimetric generator on this map. This whole area is becoming increasingly geologically unstable. I can see why they abandoned this place.”

“Any word from  _ Voyager _ ?”

She shook her head. “Not yet. But I’ve routed the signal from my comms badge via this station. It will increase the chances of messages getting through.”

He looked at the map. They had at least twenty kilometres to cover and under six hours of daylight to do it.

“Let me see your leg.” She frowned as he showed her the red-soaked bandage. “That doesn’t look good.”

“It’s not so bad.” He wouldn’t burden her with his pain. He sat in silence as she re-dressed the wound. 

Once that was done she passed him the ration pack. “Eat up.”

He looked down at the pack. She’d been working most of the night while he slept, but had eaten nothing. The canteen with the last of their water was barely touched.

“Go on. You need to keep your strength up,” she said.

“So do you.” He knew how stubborn she could be, and how ready she was to deny her own needs to provide for those under her command. But in this, he would not be moved. “We’re sharing, Kathryn. Don’t argue.”

Surprise registered on her face, before she smiled. “Very well. We leave in fifteen minutes.”

#

They stepped out into blistering heat.

Kathryn gestured into the distance. “I want to get through this area quickly. There’s magma pooling in chambers just below the surface. Not to mention those lizards. The area beyond that ridge is more stable. There’s vegetation, too, so we’ll be able to cut the pace a little and maybe find water.” 

After packing the kitbag with medical supplies and the tricorder, she slung it across her shoulders. 

Chakotay frowned. “Let me take that.”

She shook her head curtly. “You concentrate on walking.” 

Kathryn set a fast pace across the barren, rocky surface. He followed her, close, determined not to show his pain. His lips were dry and cracked, his eyes stinging with from dust. The environment was heating up. Strands of smoke snaked from crevices between rocks and wound away into the sky. The smell of sulphur hung in the air.

Kathryn’s voice took on a rougher edge, which he guessed meant her throat was as dry and painful as his. “Chakotay, there!” 

Five orange and white lizards scuttled towards them, frighteningly fast. Kathryn shot one. He fired at another.

More hissing came from behind. Chakotay swung around so he and Kathryn were back to back. More lizards appeared, from behind rocks and out of crevices.

Phaser fire filled the air, but the reptiles seemed endless. One large creature, with a white underbelly and deep orange tail, was just a meter away. Up close, its teeth were like needles. Black venom trailed from its jaw.

Then they stopped. All of them at once. The drooling creature paused with its claws just above the sand. Many black tongues flickered in the desert air, as if tasting something. 

Without warning, the lizards turned away.

Before Chakotay could formulate his surprise into a question he felt vibrations beneath his feet. 

“Kathryn…”

She was scanning. “I feel it too. We need to run!” 

The ground rumbled and shook. Ahead, the land rose like a wave, sending them reeling backwards. Instinctively he grabbed her hand as the ground quaked beneath their feet. They lurched to the left. 

“This way, it's more stable there!” Kathryn yelled over the earth’s grinding. 

To Chakotay, it sounded like hell was spitting up all its devils. Orange dust choked the air. It stung their eyes, and had they not been holding hands they might have lost sight of one another. Chakotay’s leg hurt like a demon, but he dragged it along, until they reached the edge of a vegetated area. 

They stopped by a large tree. “The worst is past, I think,” Kathryn said, panting. “We can rest now.” Her face was covered in dust. He imagined he looked just the same.

Chakotay slumped against the tree. The silence seemed odd, somehow, after the chaos and destruction they'd just run through. 

His leg was bleeding freely again. Kathryn used one of the sterile pads they had found at the comms tower, securing it with another strip of her nightgown. 

“I'm sorry about your bed clothes,” he said with a wry smile. “I'll replicate you another when we get back to  _ Voyager _ .”

“I'll hold you to that.” Her eyes lingered on his, just long enough for heat to flood him. Did she feel it too? If she did, she didn't let on. 

Kathryn just tapped her comms badge. “Janeway to  _ Voyager _ .” Silence. “I didn't think so.” She sighed and began a scan of the area. “No signs of life in the immediate vicinity. But there's a small river nearby. I'll fetch us water.” She tore another square from her nightgown to make a crude filter. She squeezed his hand. “Stay alert.”

Chakotay drew his phaser and watched her disappear into the undergrowth. The air was clearer here, and the only sounds the rustle of leaves. He forced himself to relax. His leg itched, very deeply. He didn’t like what that might mean. They had used the last of the anti-venom that morning.

She returned in twenty minutes with water in the canteen, her face cleaned and freshened. “It's actually rather pleasant here. The next part of the journey should be easier.” She sat beside him against the tree. “How's the leg?”

“No offence, but it's very much looking forward to the doctor’s tender ministrations.” 

Kathryn laughed aloud. “None taken. I have to say I'm looking forward to a decent meal. Even Neelix's leola root stew would be welcome right now. Better still, one of those delicious vegetable teriyakis you used to make for us on New Earth. That and a hot bath.”    

“Hmmm, that would be wonderful, wouldn’t it? ” He paused. “Do you think of it much? New Earth?” 

She closed her eyes. “I try not to.”

That wasn't the answer he'd hoped for. He felt his peace slipping away. He had been right to wall off his heart to the memories. She clearly had. 

His body stiffened. “I see.” He knew his answer was a little sharper than he intended.

“Oh, Chakotay. Not because I regret our time there. Quite the opposite in fact.” She looked at him with earnest eyes, and he almost believed her. But he knew her too well to let hope take root in his heart. 

Sure enough, she turned her face away. “We need to get going. There’s only three hours of daylight left and we still have eight kilometers to cover.”  

She had a job to do, he understood that. Get them back to  _ Voyager  _ alive so they could get the crew home. That's what mattered to her, and it mattered to him too. It was his job to help her do it, not to fall in love with her. They couldn’t permit their personal feelings to jeopardize getting this crew safely home.  

Some days it was just so damn hard remembering that. 

#

Kathryn knew at once that she’d hurt him. As soon as she said “I try not to” she saw the way her words had wounded him. The tone of his reply confirmed it. What she said in reply made it worse, not better. 

Some days she hated herself. She hid behind her pips, as she always did when it came to the vortex of feelings swirling around them. Too powerful to ignore, too frightening to embrace. Yet, she hadn't been capable of fully closing the door between them. Light touches. Glances. Taking his arm. Drinking champagne on Lake George to celebrate after her brush with death! Needing to be close to him and yet never crossing the boundaries into something more.

All this time, he'd never once pushed, because he was Chakotay, the angry warrior pledged to carry her burdens, never increase them. She wondered, some days, if she deserved him. 

Now, she couldn't look in his eyes, because that would just about end her, so she got to her feet and told him, “Time to go.”

As they pushed on through the forest, Kathryn checked the tricorder. “The readings from that gravimetric generator are fluctuating wildly.”

“Is that causing the geological instability?”

“It’s possible. It’s certainly not helping. If we don’t shut it down there’ll be nothing here for  _ Voyager  _ to find when they reach us. This moon will tear itself apart.”

The world jolted as an explosion happened a short distance behind them. Above the treeline, magma shot into the air in fiery plumes. The ground rumbled again. Magma shot into the air a short distance behind.

“We need to hurry.”

They tried the communicator at intervals as they walked, but their hails brought no reply. After a solid hour of walking through the forest, which became more like a sweltering jungle every minute, they sighted the building that housed the generator. It was a giant white dome, with an curved antenna at its center. The antenna seemed to be sending shockwaves rippling up into space.

“That’s out of control,” Kathryn said. The ground deep under their feet rumbled again. “Come on.”

Chakotay dragged his leg as fast as he could, but Kathryn soon pulled ahead of him. “You go on,” he said to her as she turned back. “I’ll follow as quickly as I can.” She nodded once and then set off at a sprint.

Chakotay smelled burning behind him. Singed forest. Trees snapped and crackled, and occasionally he heard a mighty tree fall victim to a magma surge. The fire would move more quickly than the lava, though, so he had to keep moving towards Kathryn.

As he ploughed through the undergrowth in her wake, he hit his comms badge again. “Chakotay to  _ Voyager _ . Please respond.” Nothing. He put his head down and ran as best he could.

#

Kathryn felt the ground shake as she entered the dome. The great glass window at the front of the building had been smashed open by a fallen tree, so she didn’t have to expend valuable minutes on dealing with doors and locks. 

Tricorder in hand, she searched the building for controls. She stopped in front of a set of stairs that wound down into a dark basement. The power surges were coming from down there. Of course they were. Nothing could be easy, could it? She tried  _ Voyager  _ one last time before starting down the steps.

In the basement there was barely enough light to illuminate the controls. She scanned the system with her tricorder. The device crackled and fizzed. The power cell had already lasted longer than she dared hope. The light on the PADD faded. She shrugged the heavy kitbag off her shoulders.

“ _ Great _ . All right. If this generator is feeding back into the seismic activity of this moon, it makes sense that it’s drawing power from the thermal activity below the surface. If I can disconnect the system…”

She heard a thrum overhead. Every time a gravimetric shock wave left the building, the walls shuddered.  

Kathryn searched desperately for thermic relays or any kind of power exchange regulator. There had to be something like that! A small unit at the rear of the room caught her attention. A conduit led from the floor into a sealed off chamber. She touched the control panel, which lit up. A message flashed on the screen.

_ Emergency deactivation sequence recommended. Please enter authorisation code.  _

“Code? What code!”

She grabbed the tricorder and started to disassemble her phaser to get at the powercell. 

“Kathryn!” Chakotay’s voice came down the stairs.

“Down here!” she yelled, still working. 

He ran down the steps. “We have to get out of here. The magma isn’t far behind me.”

“Nearly done.” Kathryn jolted the tricorder-PADD contraption awake with the power pack from the phaser. “All right. Now what’s the damn code?”

Numbers flashed on the screen. 

_ Authorisation Accepted. Emergency deactivation sequence engaged.  _

Kathryn let her breath go. It wouldn’t stop the chaos unleashed on this helpless moon, but it might give  _ Voyager  _ a chance to get close enough to save them. 

Chakotay tugged on her arm. “We have to go.”

Kathryn grabbed the bag and they dashed up the stairs. 

Through the window, the jungle was a raging inferno. A deadly river of magma inched relentlessly towards them, ploughing down trees in its path. There was no way out. No other doors they could see, or windows.

Kathryn cursed. 

“We could try to cut through the back wall with my phaser,” Chakotay said.

“Good idea.” She ran the tricorder over the surrounding wall. “Here. This isn’t load bearing.”

There was a huge crack as another tree crashed through the broken window, sending glass and wood splintering through the air.

Chakotay fired a sustained, high energy phaser burst at the wall. First an orange glow and then a hole appeared. 

They leapt through and ran for higher ground and didn’t stop running until they reached the crest of a hill. Chakotay was labouring, covered in sweat and finding it harder and harder to drag his leg along. His skin had turned bright red.

Kathryn put the kitbag down next to a rocky outcrop. They were safe from the fire on the barren hill, but rivers of magma were flowing from above, skirting their position for now, but who knew how long that would last.

“Let’s stop here,” Kathryn said. “I don’t think we can get much higher, anyway, it’s too steep.”

“You should keep going. Get as high as you can.” His voice was weak. His face had suddenly turned from red to ashen grey. She checked his leg. The toxin had returned. His calf was covered in spidery black veins. 

She took his hand. Even in the heat it felt icy cold. “No. We stay together, now.” 

Kathryn fumbled to hit her comms again, her fingers shaking. No response. She fought down panic. “The EM disturbance should decrease now.  _ Voyager  _ will contact us. We just need to wait.”

She sat close to his side.

He let his head flop back against the rock. He started to shiver. 

“Hold on, Chakotay. Just a bit longer.” The air around them was thick with smoke and dust. The ground itself quavered.

His voice came as a feverish whisper. “I swore to walk by your side. Carry your burdens. I’m sorry I let you down. Please save yourself.”

The ground shook again. A mighty crack opened just meters in front of them. She gripped his hand hard. Her heart was pounding. Even now he would give so much, but it was too late. There was no way out of this. She could run a few meters higher and live a few moments longer, but she would lose these last moments with him. That, she was not prepared to do. 

“My angry warrior,” she whispered. She’d lived her life wrapped in rules and protocol and duty. It felt like a shroud, now. How could she make any of that right? “If we’re going to die here, Chakotay… it's only right I tell you the truth. On New Earth, I would have let go. Sooner than you might have thought.” She allowed herself a short, bitter laugh. “I was close to it that night when you rubbed my shoulders. I’m so sorry I never told you. I suppose I lacked courage.”

His words came through a wall of pain. “One thing you do not lack, Kathryn Janeway, is courage.”

She held up a hand. “I want you to know. I could have lived a full life on New Earth loving you.”

He took her hand and kissed it. “I’m so sorry we didn’t get the chance. In another life, Kathryn.” His smile almost broke her heart. 

_This was their last chance._ She leaned into him, and with her hand gently on his chest, she murmured, “It would have been a very good life.” 

There was nowhere to go and nothing to hide behind. No pips on her collar, no ship to command. No protocol or regulations that applied here. The sky was blood red now, choked with fire and smoke.

She leaned in and kissed him on the lips. The kiss was full and earnest, soft and reaching, to leave him no doubts and herself no regrets. 

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back. 

The world erupted. He held her close, eyes closed, as the dust and heat and rocks churned around them. She imagined they were falling together and they’d never have to let go.

Then the world shifted. Her body tingled. The pounding was replaced by blackness and silence. Bright lights. Flashes. Sickbay. The Doctor. Kes. Then silence swallowed her.


	4. Doing Both

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay and Kathryn are back on Voyager. How will they deal with their conflicting emotions after Kathryn confessed her true feelings?

Kathryn's worried face was the first thing Chakotay saw when he regained consciousness in sickbay. She was already back in uniform, her hair tied into its neat bun.

“Chakotay,” she whispered, her voice still faint and her throat raw. “Are you all right?”

He smiled weakly.

The Doctor stood over him. “I've purged the toxins from his system. You were both badly dehydrated; no doubt a good meal would be welcome. I'd like the commander to remain in sickbay overnight, but you are free to go, Captain.”

“Thank you, Doctor. Would you give us a moment?”

“Of course. End emergency medical holographic program.”

“Oh, Chakotay,” she said, taking one of his hands in both of hers. Her eyes radiated pain. “I don't even know what to say to you.”

He saw the torment in her eyes and he couldn't stand it. After New Earth he swore he'd never make things hard for her. That he would put aside his own feelings because he believed in her judgement. But his heart wouldn’t let him give up just yet.

“Are we really going to let this slip between our fingers?”

“I know, Chakotay. Another life.” She smiled softly, and for a second he let himself hope. Then her smile faded. “Sadly, we are doomed to live in this one.”

He felt his heart breaking. “Kathryn…”

She shook her head and turned aside, but not before he saw the sadness swelling in her eyes. He held her hand a moment longer, but as she gently pulled away, he was obliged to let go.

Kathryn left sickbay. Chakotay remained, which, unfortunately, gave him plenty of time to think. About everything she’d said on the dying moon. About that kiss, and what it meant for them now. Her immediate U-turn. And most importantly, what he was going do about it all.

It took him a day to decide on a course of action. He vacillated endlessly between respecting her stated wishes and acting on what he knew in his bones were her heartfelt desires. But in the end, he owed it to himself, and her, to attempt to change her mind. He wouldn't, he _couldn't_ let her go without even trying.

#

Captain Kathryn Janeway took command of her vessel the next morning, ready to resume course for the Alpha Quadrant. The Alkenian government showed little contrition for the deadly events on their moon, stating only that the shuttle with such advanced technology should have been more than capable of avoiding the gravimetric pull. Kathryn had little patience left with them and curtly ordered the technology transfer to go ahead. It took several hours to oversee the transactions. By the time she returned to her quarters she was in desperate need of a sonic shower and a solid night's sleep. At least the day’s business had provided a method of keeping her mind off Chakotay. The doctor had discharged him from sickbay and declared him fit for duty tomorrow.

They would have to find a new way of being around each other now that they both knew the truth. It had been hard enough to adjust after New Earth, where most of what passed between them had remained unspoken. Now she'd made it even harder. She couldn't quite bring herself to regret telling him, though, under the circumstances. If only _Voyager_ had shown up an hour sooner and it hadn’t been necessary to lay herself bare.  

She sighed and halted by her bed.  

There, on her Starfleet issue sheets, lay a replica of her peach satin nightgown. He'd promised her a replacement. Chakotay was a man of his word. She picked the gown up and held it to her chest. Something fluttered from between the fabric. She gasped. An exact replica of the moonflower. Heaven knew how he'd done it, but it was the same orange as the moment he’d picked it for her in the temple. There was a note, too, written by hand on a sheet of white paper.

_“Which life are we living in now, Kathryn? The one where we exist with our hands tied by duty, or the one where we let go and follow our hearts?”_

“Oh, Chakotay,” she murmured. Could she really do both? Let him into her heart and still effectively command this ship? Who was she kidding? He was already in her heart and had been for a very long time.

That wasn't exactly the right question. The question was could she let him into her bed and still command this ship? Things would change if they became lovers. Feelings would grow more intense, for better or worse. Her life would improve in so many ways. But it would also be much harder. How could she choose?

After two more cups of coffee nothing seemed any clearer. She put the moonflower in a small vase. It was delicate and beautiful. He had been right, it _was_ just like her hair. She ran her fingers over the petals. They were waxy. Not as fragile as they looked.

She paced until she could pace no more, then fell into a restless, disjointed sleep.

_She is in bed, nude, wrapped in a federation flag, just like the one hung outside Starfleet HQ in San Francisco. She hasn't seen a flag like this since she left earth, not the real thing, although she sees the symbol everyday on computer screens and equipment. She traces the curve of the crest, which she's always found to be a potent symbol, representing the best of so many worlds. She’s happy to find herself in this strange embrace. The satin feels good against her skin. She is warm and comfortable. Protected. She knows exactly what is expected of her. A voice at the back of her dream tells her there is probably some deep symbolism at work here, but she's too comfortable to analyse it right now. She knows where she is, and where she’s going, even if the way remains shrouded in uncertainty._

_She lies still for a long time._

_Is this how it will always be, though? Wrapped in her solitary flag? Separated from those she cares about by a thin layer of cloth? A flutter of sadness settles on her chest._

_She becomes aware of a presence beside her. A smell, oaky, wise. Peaceful. Steady and true brown eyes meet hers._

_“Chakotay.”_

_She isn't disturbed to find her first officer in her bed, although she should be. It’s a breach of protocol. It's inappropriate. It will almost certainly erode the chain of command. Damage her chances of getting her crew home._

_Won't it?_

_Starfleet protocol wasn’t written for situations like this. She said it herself. Stuck out here in the Delta Quadrant, people are bound to start pairing off._

_She doesn't move; she just watches his face. He remains still for a very long time, maintaining the distance between them. Respectful. Dutiful. Kind._

_Damn him. Will he never cross the line first, even in her dreams? Disappointment settles in her stomach._

_She breathes his name again, as if it's a question. An invitation. Maybe that's how hope sounds to the bereft. Perhaps their worlds can meet, at least here in her dream._

_He gently tugs the flag. “Do we need this?”_

_Her breath catches. “Sometimes, yes we do. It will guide us safely home.”_

_“I understand. How about right now, though? Do we need it when we’re alone?”_

_She looks down at his hands as they pull at the satin cloth, blue against her skin. He pauses, teetering on the brink of unravelling her, but doesn't take the next step._

_His voice is achingly gentle. “I’ll return it, whenever you need it.”_

_“I'm afraid if I let it go, I'll never get it back.” Her voice is hoarse, her words come in a breathy rush._

_“Kathryn. I won't take anything you don't freely give. I'll never withhold anything you truly need. Trust me.”_

_“I do.” She wants this, more than she's wanted anything for a long time besides getting her people home._

_His hands falter, even now, as if he can't take the step, as if to strip away the layers between them is not a decision he can make alone._

_She is the captain. She must lead._

_She finds his fingers and wraps her own through his. Her hand is small against his, yet their fingers slide smoothly together. Had she really not noticed how well they fit?_

_“It's all right, Chakotay. You can take it,” she whispers._

 

Kathryn started awake from the dream, breathless and shaken, clutching her sheets to her chest.

Reflexively she activates the comms system.

“Janeway to Chakotay.”

_“_ Kathryn? What's wrong?” He answered so quickly she wondered if he was even asleep. Her throat burned. What did she mean to say to him? She clutched her sheet tighter.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you.”

“Are you all right?”

“I need to talk to you. Will you come?”

“Of course.”

She let her head fall back on the pillow and squeezed her eyes shut. Shame burned through her. What was she thinking? What must he be thinking? This. This was why she needed the flag.

#

Chakotay wasn't asleep when Kathryn’s call came. Rest had eluded him. He knew she’d have seen the gift and note hours before, and she’d obviously chosen to ignore it. He had to deal with that, somehow. He’d tried to meditate, seek guidance from his ancestors, but peace had remained unreachable. Then she called.

Hands shaking a little, he slipped on a shirt. This wasn’t the first time she’d wanted to talk to him about crossing a boundary. On New Earth, he’d saved himself with a tale that said everything and nothing. How would he survive this if she wanted to ‘redefine the parameters’ again? He walked steadily, but his heart raced.

He saw no one as he approached her quarters, which was a blessing. He swallowed hard and operated the chime.

“Come in,” she said, her voice full of tension.

He half expected her to be in full uniform, but she wore a satin robe, perhaps pulled over the nightgown he’d spent a week’s worth of replicator rations on. The moonflower was in a small vase at her bedside. So far, not completely bad.

He stood, feeling more vulnerable than he ever had, in the centre of the room, and waited for her to speak.

She looked dishevelled. Unsettled. Beautiful. She wrung her hands, and her words came in a rush. “We need to find a way back to the way things were before I said what I said.”

He took a breath and spoke slowly and deliberately. “Do we? I think we need to find a way forward, Kathryn. Doesn’t what we want count for anything?”  

She paced the room, restless and tormented. “Please. Don’t make this harder. It’s not about what we want. It’s about what this crew needs.” There was a crack in her voice, though. The usual command veneer eroded. He _could_ make it easier for her, like he had on New Earth, or he could fight for her. For them.

He caught her arm. “You underestimate yourself, and this crew, and me, if you think intimacy between us will undermine your authority.”

She looked up at him, not pulling away, frozen. Caught between duty and regret.

He pressed his advantage. “Kathryn, sometimes you have to let go, and sometimes you have to hold tight. This is one of the times when we have to do both.”

He heard her breath catch. Still she made no move to pull away. Chakotay slipped his other arm behind her back and inched closer. Then he leaned down and kissed her. For a moment, tension filled her, duty and desire warring in every fibre of her being.

“I’m afraid,” she murmured. “Afraid of failing this crew. Of failing you.”

“I’m not saying it will be an easy path to follow. But I think we should try. We’re stronger together, Kathryn.”

She nodded. “I know.”

He paused, gently brushing her hair from her face. Nothing to hide behind now. He kissed her again, and this time she kissed him back, rising to her tiptoes and closing the space between their bodies until he didn’t know where she ended and he began.

“I want you. Stay with me.” Her voice was hoarse and needy.

“Always,” he whispered, and kissed her again.

She eased him backwards until he sat on the edge of her bed. She stood between his legs, and tugged the knot in her robe until it fell open.

“Nice nightgown,” he growled. He slipped his hands under the robe and against the satin.

She raised an eyebrow. “I think this nightgown might have saved our lives.”

“It definitely saved mine. And I’m grateful. But I think it should go.”

“Then take it off me,” she whispered.

Chakotay smiled, more broadly than he’d smiled in a good long while. What else could he do? He followed her orders.

#

Chakotay woke naked, tangled in bed clothes, beside Kathryn. He blinked for a moment at the woman by his side. She was staring at him, her face unreadable.

Dread clutched his chest. “You haven’t changed your mind, have you?”

She propped herself up on her elbow. “I hope you’re not going to ask me that every morning.” She touched his face tenderly. “We’ll work it out. A way to be there for _Voyager_ and for each other. To do our duty and follow our hearts.”

“I’ve never doubted both were possible.”

“I know. I was the doubter. Not anymore.” She leaned in and kissed him deeply, pinning him beneath her until he was thrumming with desire once more.

Her smile filled his vision as her hair fell across his face.

“ _This_ is our life, now, Chakotay,” Kathryn said. “And it’s going to be a very good life, indeed.”    

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and feedback always make me happy. Please let me know if you like what you read <3


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